


I am enough

by Anonymous



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Comforting Magnus Bane, Dom Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family Feels, Fluff, Found Family Feels, Gen, Gentle Dom Magnus Bane, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Non-Sexual, One Shot, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Short One Shot, Sleepy Cuddles, Sub Alec Lightwood, at the end, if you squint again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28055979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “Shouldn’t you have shadowhunters on the ground, looking for witnesses?” Raphael inquires.Magnus watches as Alec takes a moment to formulate his answer. Unlike the other downworlders, Magnus knows the pressure Alec is feeling from the Clave. The Clave does not care about downworlder children and does not want Alec ‘interfering with downworlder businesses.’Magnus sees Alec digs his nails into his hand. He knows from earlier conversations that Alec agrees with the downworld cabinet, but the Clave is giving Alec unreasonable standards, leaving him little time. Magnus knows that Alec has his best people -including himself-  working to find the children, but the Institute is spread too thin.Magnus wants to cover Alec’s hands with his own and stop him from hurting himself. But he can’t, because Alec had asked him here as High Warlock of Brooklyn, and not his boyfriend.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Madzie, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood & Madzie, Magnus Bane & Madzie, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 26
Kudos: 253
Collections: DL;DR: Anonymous Shadowhunters Fic, The Malec Secret Santa - Edition 2020





	I am enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MoonlightBreeze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/gifts).



> A round of applause to my beta @A_Taupe_Fox. Most of the themes in this fanfic were outside my area of comfort, and I couldn't have finished this without their guidance and editing. I will forever be grateful :)
> 
> Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays @MoonlightBreeze! I took a few of your prompts, including angst, hurt/comfort, self-harming Alec and if you squint: sleepy cuddles, fluff and found family feels. I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> **Warning: self-harm**

“What are you doing to find our missing children?” Meliorn stares Alec down across the table. “Two faerie children have gone missing in the past week.”

“We’re investigating the situation. We’re in the process of gathering evidence and witness statements.” Alec reports. 

“What about the three missing werewolf children? Maia inquires. “Have you made any progress on figuring out who took them?”

Alec shakes his head no. “Not yet. We had a lead - one of the witnesses reported seeing someone watching the children a few days before the abductions. We looked into it, but it’s not him. He's a mundane. He wouldn’t have been able to see the children, far less take him.” 

Maia takes a breath to calm herself and leans back in her chair. 

Before she can reply, Raphael speaks up. “A second newborn vampire went missing two nights ago. We filled out your reports. Have you found anything yet?”

Again Alec shakes his head no. “We are investigating, Raphael. I have shadowhunters going over the reports and searching security footage.”

“Shouldn’t you have shadowhunters on the ground, looking for witnesses?” Raphael inquires. 

Magnus watches as Alec takes a moment to formulate his answer. Unlike the other downworlders, Magnus knows the pressure Alec is feeling from the Clave. The Clave does not care about downworlder children and does not want Alec ‘interfering with downworlder businesses.’ It angers him to no end, that the Clave is trying to stop Alec from helping the downworlders by putting pressure on him to improve the Institute’s patrols and demon kills.

“I will. The team gathering evidence for the Seelie abductions is nearly finished. It shouldn’t take more than a day. They already have instructions to take on the Vampire abduction case.” Alec replies.

“Hold on, you have an entire Institute full of hundreds of shadowhunters, and you can only spare a single team?” Raphael sounds incredulous. 

Alec struggles to respond to that. “The Clave doesn’t approve of the Institute facilitating these investigations.”

“The Clave doesn’t approve?” Maia snaps “there are children missing! Three werewolf children have gone missing in the past week. Children! If it was shadowhunter children, the Clave would have spared no expense.”

Magnus watches as Alec digs his nails into his hand. He knows from earlier conversations that Alec agrees with them, but the Clave is giving Alec unreasonable standards, leaving him little time. Magnus knows that Alec has his best people -including himself- working to find the children, but the Institute is spread too thin.

Magnus wants to cover Alec’s hands with his own and stop him from hurting himself. But he can’t, because Alec had asked him here as High Warlock of Brooklyn, and not his boyfriend.

“Maia, I’m doing the best I can. I-” 

“I agree with Maia, Shadowhunter. A single team of what, five shadowhunters? Out of the hundreds you have here isn’t enough. It’s the bare minimum! Raphael snaps. 

“Investigative teams consists of twelve shadowhunters-”

“-big difference-” Raphael snarls under his breath.

“- and I’m trying to allocate more shadowhunters but we’re spread too thin. The Institute has many roles. We’re constantly closing smaller rifts - which show up more often than you assume, we consistently have have a minimum of 10 shadowhunter patrols out and a third of my shadowhunters are attending a conference in Idris-”

“- We get it, shadowhunter.” Meliorn interrupts. “You’re busy with your shadowhunter business, and downworlder business must take a backseat.” 

“No, that’s not-” Alec takes a breath before continuing. “Right now, finding the missing children is my first priority. But I also report to the Clave so I can’t neglect my other duties.”

“There have been five downworlder abductions in the past week!” Maia slams her fist down on the table. “This should be your only priority, shadowhunter!”

There’s a chime as Magnus receives a notification on his phone. Magnus looks up and clears his throat. “Six abductions. I just received word that a warlock was taken. He’s 18 years old, which is still adolescent considering warlock lifespans.” 

“Six abductions, and nothing,” Raphael sneers, “perhaps if the seventh was a shadowhunter child then you’d take this case seriously?” 

Meliorn gestures around himself. “I thought these downworld cabinet meetings were a step in the right direction. But now it seems like they only serve to inform you of downworld activities.”

Alec looks pained. “That’s not-”

Maia stands up. “I’ve had enough of this. We’re wasting time. Since you are either incapable or not willing to find the children, I’m taking this into my own hands. And if a shadowhunter is responsible or even involved, Accords be damned.”

Maia walks out. Raphael nods in agreement, and follows her out of the room. “The least you can do is to stay out of our way, Lightwood.”

Alec flinches, and then drops his head into his knuckles. Magnus can see his nails biting into his skin. It’s a sadly familiar habit, one that Magnus sees more than he’d like. 

Aside from Magnus and Alec, the room is empty. Magnus reaches across the table for Alec’s hand, but as soon as his fingers make contact, Alec flinches away and stands.

Magnus reaches out, worried. He knows how hard Alec is taking this case, and how much the lack of leads is weighing on Alec. “Alexander-”

Alec abruptly stands up, taps his tablet and hands it to Magnus without meeting his eyes. “Can you fill out this report for the missing warlock? I need to rendez-vous with Underhill and see if his team got anything from the last potential abduction site.”

Magnus takes the tablet and steps closer to Alec, who takes two steps away. “Alec-”

“I’m busy, I need to go look-”

Magnus recognizes this particular behavior in Alec, and it hurts that Alec is fleeing from him. He takes a quick step forward and grabs Alec’s hands. “I know you’re working hard on this. I know how hard the Clave is working against you. You’ll find them. I believe in you.”

Alec meets his eyes for a moment. Magnus is taken back by the emotions he sees swirling in Alec’s glassy eyes. Despair, self-hatred and a steely determination to make it right.

Alec looks away, touches Magnus’s hand gently and then pulls away before walking towards the exit.

“I’ll see you at the loft tonight?”

There’s a pause in Alec’s step. He nods, and then exits.

Magnus takes it as a yes.

~~~

Alec doesn’t show up.

It hurts but Magnus gets it. Alec is under a lot of pressure and stress, from both the Clave and the downworld and his own desire to rescue the children before harm befalls them. 

Staying at the institute was probably a better choice. Alec would be able to handle the investigation faster there, as opposed to Magnus’s loft, despite Magnus’s ability to portal. The notion that every second counts is well proven, after all.

Magnus just wishes that he’d got the chance to talk to Alec, and ease some of the self-hatred out of him. The downworld cabinet was correct, but they didn’t have the full picture, not like Magnus and Alec. 

Magnus goes to bed alone, deciding to portal to the Institute tomorrow at noon to check on Alec. He imagines that Izzy, or Alec’s friend, Underhill would talk to Alec and ease some of his guilt and stress.

He flicks his fingers and sends a ‘good night Alec’ text to Alec. Magnus closes his eyes and falls asleep, hoping but not expecting to receive a reply from Alec. Magnus knows his boyfriend.

He doesn’t receive a reply.

~~~

Alec doesn’t message Magnus in the morning either. In fact, Magnus’s phone remains void of any communication from Alec, until eleven thirty. 

Delighted that Alec is reaching out, Magnus picks up the call with a cheerful, “Good morning Alexander!”

“Magnus, do you have anything that belongs to the missing warlock,” Alec presumably looks down at the report for the warlock’s name, “Mathias?” 

Magnus frowns as Alec gets straight to business. “No. I could get something from his flat. You want me to run a trace on it?”

“Yeah. I know the other possessions were blocked from the tracking spell, but I-we need to cover all our bases.”

Magnus hums in agreement. Alec sounds stressed and tired, as if he didn’t sleep. Magnus wonders how to broach the subject without scaring Alec off.

“You didn’t come by the loft last night,” Magnus says lightly. “Chairman Meow missed his morning head scratches.”

“I-Magnus.” Alec says, He sounds exhausted, and Magnus feels for him. “I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay.” Magnus says quickly. “Take care of yourself. And if there’s anything that I can help you with…”

“I’ll let you know.” Alec promises, and Magnus hears the truth in it.

“I’ll let Madzie know you say ‘hi’?”

“Madzie? Wait- dammit.” Alec swears as he remembers they were supposed to pick her up and babysit.

“Alec-”

There’s some static in the background. “I need to go.”

Magnus sighs and says “Alright, bye.” but the line is already dead. He checks his phone, and realizes that he doesn’t have enough time to check on Alec at the institute if he wants to get to Mathias’s apartment and run the trace before picking up Madzie. 

Magnus portals to the closest spot to Mathias’s apartment that he’s been to, and starts walking. 

~~~

Angry tears slip out of Catarina’s eyes and dark blue magic escapes from her hands uncontrollably as she talks to Magnus. 

It’s identical to a typical mundane child-kidnapping case. 

The parent or guardian looks away for just a moment in a large, busy area, just long enough for the child to run away or for someone to grab them, and in a second the child is gone. 

However, Madzie is no mundane. And the way Catarina’s frantic tracking spells have been blocked is no coincidence. 

Madzie is the seventh abduction victim. 

Magnus is just as angry and scared. He views the downworld as his extended family, the younger souls he takes care of and places under his protection. But Madzie… when Magnus was with Madzie and Alec it didn’t feel like extended family.

It felt like his immediate family. His adopted daughter, or rather niece and his significant other. He wanted to help raise her, and be there for her the way a father would. 

Magnus loves Madzie. 

And now she’s gone.

Magnus carefully pulls Catarina towards him, and runs a soothing hand on her back. “Hey look at me.” Magnus tilts Catarina’s head up, and they make eye contact. “I promise we’ll find her.” Magnus infuses a bit of magic into his words.

Catarina nods, and the magic stops leaking out of her hands.

Magnus steps away from her, opens a portal up to the institute and steps through.

~~~

Magnus steps out of the portal, right in front of the massive church doors to the institute. He knocks, and waits a moment before Underhill, Alec’s friend opens them.

“Magnus.” Underhill says. Magnus detects a note of relief in his voice. “I’m glad you came. Hopefully you can help Alec.”

Magnus nods tightly, and follows Underhill to the ops center where he spots Alec talking to Izzy in front of a map of New York.

“Alec.” It’s not often that Magnus uses this serious tone without any flirtation or sarcasm, and it never fails to grab the recipient’s attention. “We need to talk.”

Alec looks at him for a second, and then leads Magnus to his office.

Magnus closes the door behind him.

“Magnus, what is it?”

“It’s Madzie.” 

Alec freezes. The knowledge that Madzie is in danger freezes him in place. Magnus can see the moment Alec realizes what happened, by the terrified look in his eyes. Neither of them move. 

“She’s been taken.”

Magnus sees Alec curl his nails into his hands and absently wonders, how many times has Alec done that since he saw him yesterday? How many times has Alec done that since they spoke at noon?

Magnus recounts how Catarina was waiting with Madzie to give her to Magnus to babysit, and how Magnus ran slightly late. How Catarina had looked away for just a moment, and Madzie was lost. How Catarina’s tracking spells were blocked, just like the rest. 

As he talks, Alec’s knuckles grow whiter and whiter as he digs his nails into his palms and the softer sides of his fingers. It’s only when Magnus finishes speaking that Alec unfolds his hands, and Magnus sees blood.

“Alec,” Magnus whispers, reaching for Alec’s hands. “I know how you’re feeling but you can’t do this to yourself.” 

He cradles Alec’s hands in his own, and feels sick as he sees all the crescent scars, some of them already starting to heal, others still bleeding. There must’ve been at least fifteen on each hand. Magnus’s heart breaks.

He summons his magic to heal them, but Alec yanks his hands back.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel.” Alec reaches up and tugs on his hair, painfully. "I-we need to find her. Them. Now.” 

Magnus studies Alec worriedly and steps closer. He stands inches away from Alec, and gently takes both of Alec’s hands, unwinding the one in Alec’s hair. 

“Your feelings, your emotions always matter, Alec.” Magnus whispers. “But hurting yourself isn't fixing anything. Where’s your stress ball?”

Wordlessly Alec steps back and opens one of the drawers in his desk. Magnus peers inside and sees Alec’s stress ball in pieces. It’s covered in indents and large tears, presumably from Alec’s fingernails. It’s almost unrecognizable. 

“I tried using it instead,” Alec says, stilted. “But…”

“... But a mundane stress ball can’t hold up against a shadowhunter.” Magnus finishes, and Alec nods looking away.

Magnus twirls his fingers, and bright blue magic surrounds the destroyed stress ball, repairing and assembling it. When it’s done, Magnus picks it up. “I’ll see what I can do to make it shadowhunter proof. In the meantime, maybe you should consider trying some of the other coping mechanisms we talked about? Like holding the ice block, or drawing on yourself with a soft-tipped pen? 

It feels like years pass (and Magnus would know) before Alec nods in agreement.

“Thank you.” Magnus steps closer to Alec and gently grasps his hands again. Magnus sees the dark bags under Alec’s eyes, and smells the scent of coffee on his breath. He puts the pieces together.

“You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” Magnus asks, deliberately keeping his voice soft.

Alec looks away, and tries to tug his hands out of Magnus’s grip, but Magnus keeps hold of them. 

“Talk to me, Alec. I know you're hurting. Let me help.”

Slowly, Alec gives Magnus the slowest of nods. 

Magnus summons his magic, and in a moment all the crescent cuts on Alec’s hands are gone. Magnus lifts both of Alec’s palms up, and gently kisses them before letting them go. He gently grasps Alec’s head, and slides his thumb on Alec’s cheek. The dull pain and faint ringing that comes with pulling an all-nighter disappears and Alec leans on Magnus, arms wrapping around him tightly. He’s shaking.

Magnus returns the hug protectively.

“I can’t - I can’t find them, I can’t, Magnus. I tried, but that’s not good enough.” Alec sobs, words half-muffled against Magnus’s shoulder. 

“I’m trying but there’s nothing and the Clave is pulling me in a dozen different directions and I haven’t found anything to give to the cabinet and it’s been two weeks since the first child was taken. Two weeks, Magnus. And I’m still at step one. I- I don’t even know if the kids are even alive and now Madzie-”

Alec lets out a heartbreaking sob.

“-I can’t - I can’t even think of what might happen to her, Magnus. If I’d just been there, maybe she wouldn’t have been taken, or if I was better, I would’ve gotten something-” Alec shudders. “It’s my fault - it's my fault she’s gone. I should - I should’ve been there.”

“I’m not good enough.” Alec cries, and shakes in Magnus’s arms.

Magnus pulls back just enough so that he can look Alec in the eye. “Alec, sweetheart, you are good enough. You are one of the best men I’ve ever known.”

Alec looks away.

“And I know you don’t believe me right now, but it's true. But let me convince you of this. These abductions are not your fault. I see how much effort and time you’re putting into finding them. I know you’re doing everything you can, Alec. This is not your fault.”

Alec nods, and holds onto Magnus.

“And this isn’t your sole burden to bear. You have an entire institute, and the High Warlock of Brooklyn at your fingertips. We’re all willing. Let us help you, Alec. You don’t have to spread yourself so thin.”

"Let me take care of you." Magnus whispers, pleading.

Slowly Alec nods, and Magnus hugs him again, tilting his head to lean against Alec’s.

Alec hugs him back tightly, trembling in his arms. Magnus adjusts an arm to rub Alec’s back comfortingly as Alec cries. He can feel a spot on his shoulder growing increasingly damp. It’s heartbreaking to hear, but Magnus knows Alec needs this. Magnus knows from first hand experience that while crying generally doesn’t solve the problem, it’s a necessary emotional release. 

Magnus also knows that as head of the Institute, Alec wouldn’t let any of the shadowhunters under his care see him so vulnerable. It occurs to Magnus that the previous heads of the Institute, Maryse and Robert, were the same way. Every time he saw them, Maryse and Robert spoke in strict, controlled tones. Magnus can’t recall them showing any other emotion than anger, on a few rare occasions. He suddenly doubts they would have instructed Alec on dealing with the stress, other than ignoring it. 

“It’s okay to cry, Alec.” Magnus reassures. “I don’t know what your parents or the Clave tell you, but every leader feels this way when the situation arises. I did, quite frequently when Valentine was around. Feeling this way doesn’t make you weak, or not good enough. It makes you human.”

Magnus’s words seem to get through to Alec. Slowly enough, Magnus feels the tremors from Alec ease, and his nearly painful grip on Magnus eases into something more comfortable. After a few moments, Alec lets go and wipes his face. He clears his throat and glances at Magnus. 

“Thanks,” Alec offers Magnus a small smile. “I think I needed that.”

Magnus laughs lightly and hums in agreement. “How do you feel now?”

“Better,” Alec replies, “I’m still worried about Madzie and the others but it’s not…”

“... overwhelming?” Magnus guesses, from experience.

“Yeah, exactly.” Alec smiles, before giving Magnus a considering look. “Can we do a scene? I want to stop thinking about the case and get out of my head for a bit.”

Magnus gives Alec a teasing, playful smile. “You want to lock me up?”

“Actually I was wondering if I could, uh, sub for you?” Alec asks, slightly nervously. Magnus can see the tips of his ears turning red. 

“I’d love that. But are you sure?” Magnus verifies. “It’s usually the other way around.”

“I’m sure.” Alec smiles reassuringly. “I’ll let you know if I don’t like anything, or if I want to stop.”

Magnus smiles, reaches up and slides his thumb across Alec’s cheek. “Good. We won’t do much today, you’re pretty tired.”

Magnus waits for the ‘okay,’ from Alec before starting. “Go tell Isabelle that there’s been another abduction, and Catarina and I will leave the reports on her desk shortly. Tell her that you’re going to take a few hours, and then come back to help.”

Alec nods. “Okay.”

“Meet me in your room when you’re done.”

Alec nods, and Magnus smiles and kisses him before letting him leave.

Magnus exits the office after Alec and makes his way to Alec’s room. It’s hardly the first time he’s been here, and no-one stops him in entering.

Inside Alec has case files, papers and photographs spread over his bed. With a flick of his wrist, Magnus packs it up neatly and sends it to Alec’s office table.

He pulls off his outer jacket and shoes, and sits down, leaning on the headboard to wait for Alec.

Magnus doesn’t have to wait long. Alec appears in the doorway. He walks in and shuts the door behind him.

Magnus stands up and walks towards Alec. He plucks the tablet out of Alec’s hands, and sends it to Alec’s office. Then he raises his hands to Alec’s shoulders, and slides Alec’s jacket off.

With a flick of his wrist, Magnus summons soft sweatpants. He hands it to Alec.

“Go get changed, sweetheart.”

Alec nods, takes the clothes and disappears into the small washroom on the other side of the room. Not a minute later, he reappears wearing the clothes Magnus gave him. Some of the previous tension has disappeared, and Alec’s eyes only hold a glimmer of red indicating he was just crying. Magnus steps closer to Alec and kisses him. He places his hands on Alec’s back, holding him in place and feeling a bit more of the tension fade.

Eventually Magnus pulls back. “It’s comfortable?” Magnus asks to make sure.

Alec nods. “It’s soft.” There’s a contented hum from Alec. “I like it. Thank you.”

Magnus smiles. “Good.” He gestures to the bed behind him. “Go lie down on your stomach at the edge of the bed.”

Alec looks slightly confused, but he complies anyway. Magnus stands beside the bed, pulls off his rings, flicks his wrists and massage oil immediately covers his hands. He starts kneading Alec’s shoulders.

“Is this okay?”

Alec melts into the bed, and makes a muffled affirming sound. 

Magnus smiles and continues. He watches as Alec slowly melts into the sheets, as the sensation of Magnus’s hands on his back takes over his focus, pushing his other thoughts away. Magnus watches Alec’s eyes close, and after a few minutes Magnus can tell that Alec reaches the line between relaxed and drowsy. “Go to sleep, sweetheart.”

Alec twists his head to the side to look at Magnus. “Will you stay?” He asks, sleep already drifting into his voice making it soft.

Magnus doesn’t even have to think.

“Always.”

And just like that, nearly all the tension in Alec's muscles is gone. Magnus knows that they still have a long way to go, but this is a step in the right direction. When he's sure Alec is fast asleep, he pulls the blanket over Alec, and sits next to him leaning on the headboard.

With a flick of his wrist, the massage oil is gone. Magnus summons the first case file from Alec’s office and begins reviewing the details, while gently carding through Alec’s hair. 

They’ll get through his. They have to.

~~~

Four stressful days later Magnus and Alec are standing inside an abandoned warehouse near the ocean surrounded by abducted downworlder children. There’s nearly fifty of them there, from all over the world judging by their clothing. Alec holds Magnus’s hand tightly as he directs the children over to the shadowhunters and downworlders to get medically checked out. 

So far, they’ve found both missing fae children, one of the werewolves, the missing vampire and the elder warlock. 

They haven’t seen Madzie yet, and Magnus can tell that Alec is getting antsy. 

Suddenly, there’s a familiar cry. “Alec!”

Magnus turns in time to see Madzie barrel into Alec, clinging to him tightly. Alec picks up her and returns the fierce hug. Magnus can see lines of tension that even he had not been able to rid fading. 

Magnus quickly sends a fire message to Catarina, telling her that they found Madzie and to meet them at the entrance of the warehouse.

Madzie pulls back from the hug and smiles at Alec. “I knew you’d find me!” Then she spots Magnus and starts wiggling, insisting to be held by Magnus as well. 

Alec laughs wetly and hands her to Magnus.

“Sweet pea! I’m glad you’re alright.” Magnus smiles, and Madzie beams back at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Alec smile shakily and wipe a few stray tears away. Magnus switches to hold Madzie with one arm and pulls Alec into their hug with the other.

Finally, something in Magnus settles. His family is together, and safe again. 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone's staying safe and healthy during these troubling times.  
> Let me know what you thought? And if you enjoyed, consider leaving a kudos?  
> Emoji Key for those who don't know what to say!  
> ❤ = you wish you could kudos again  
> 😔 = the angst/feels got to you  
> 🌺 = you enjoyed the ending  
> 


End file.
